Dear Husband, Now That You're A Father

Dear Husband,

Now that you are a father and I am a mother of our beautiful child, I would like to let you know that I am so thankful to have you both in my life.

I understand that our lives have changed, if not so drastically, since the day she was born. For the better? Or for the worse?

Do you remember that we used to fight on weekends, about which places to go, which restaurant to dine, which house appliances to buy, which brand of soap we want to try. All those trifling things.
Oh, we used to fight on weekdays, too - when you and I got home, both tired after a long daaaaay of work, and I still had to cook for at least 30 minutes (and washed the dishes after) while you only needed 5 minutes to finish the whole plate.
Remember that we also lived in a small cube on the 25th floor back then? We could not avoid each other when we fought, because we would ALWAYS bump at each other in that 31 sqm space. Tricky.

Yes, we used to fight. But we immediately made up and things got better before bed - where we enjoyed the spacious bed, just the two of us.

Do you remember that I always kept my hair nice-smelling and you liked to sniff it?

During our TTC journey, you were the one who kept me going. You gave me the courage to undergo any medical procedure needed so that we could have a child. You held my hand after we did the IUI, you wiped my tears when we failed the IUI. You, yourself, had also beaten your fear and dealt with those uncomfortable feelings during medical exams.

Oh, I also did not forget to cut your toenails once every 2 week!

We used to say "I Love You" before we went to bed.

We watched movies religiously.

We were so close.

Now that she's here, I have to admit that we are growing apart...

Literally, we don't sleep next to each other now that the baby sleeps between us. We hardly kiss each other goodnight because I am often too tired and doze off completely as soon as the baby sleeps, and you can not be bothered, busy playing that Clash Royale of yours.

My hair does not always smell like a fresh flower bouquet because I rarely have time to dry it all up in the morning - you know, I have to prepare myself to go to the office, feed our baby, prepare her milk, pack my bags (now that I am a mother and I need to carry at least 2 humongous bags to work).
Is that the reason why you no longer kiss me on the forehead before you go to work? Maybe not. Maybe you enjoy smooching our little baby better, honestly speaking, she DOES smell better. And as she gets bigger, maybe she gets to hold your hands far more often than I do.

And when was the last time we went to catch a new movie? Star Wars, was it? We missed Rogue One, and now The Last Jedi is already approaching. Couldn't care less, could we?

I am sorry now I don't have much time for you, now that I am a mother. I have forgotten about keeping your toenails short, just like I have forgotten many things. I am too forgetful nowadays. Between work and household chores, between monthly reports and dirty diapers. It's getting so hard to focus and remember things when you can only worry about one small baby (but a super cute one).

Dear Husband, I just want you to know that I have never been happier now and you are part of that happiness of mine. I am a mother, my priority in life has completely changed - family is number one on my list, and you are also a part of it. I am now a parent, we are now parents, let's be a good one. We are responsible for the life of this tiny human, an amanah from God. Let's work together to raise her to be a wonderful human being. Please help me when I am in need (I mean, when I'm so beat after a series of begadang night), and I promise you have my total support, too.

Dear Husband, now that you are a father. Continue to be an amazing one. Love her, teach her, protect her. Make sure that one day she will run to you, hug you and say that she is proud of you.

I love you, I love her, and I love us. I've said this before, and I'm saying it again, and maybe I will keep on saying this until we're gone (even that is not possible).

"Thank you for being here and now,

and the forever ever after in the making."

I don't believe in forever, though. But both of you certainly make me think that forever (being with you both) is a pleasant idea.

Okay, maybe the quote sounds exaggerating. Please just hold my hand (and hers) and never let go.
That's good enough for now.

Oh, and please continue to tell me that I am not THAT fat, you know THAT is key in every relationship.
Love you!

From There, To Here
(She doesn't seem interested to take a good family wefie, no?)

Menjadi Ibu

There's a story behind everything. But behind all your stories is always your mother’s, because hers is where yours begin.

[Mitch Albom]

Hari Ibu kali ini terasa berbeda. Mengapa? Karena ini adalah pertama kalinya saya merayakan Hari Ibu dengan menjadi seorang ibu.

Bahagia? Banget.

Saya tahu bahwa kehadiran anak akan mengubah banyak hal dalam hidup, mulai dari gaya hidup, pola makan, bentuk fisik, jam tidur, nggak bisa nonton bioskop, mandi harus buru-buru (loh jadi curhat ini...) dan banyak hal lainnya. Tapi saya sungguh tidak menyangka bahwa secara personality saya pun berubah. Misalnya, dulu saya sering ngambek dengan mood swing yang lumayan parah dan tak tentu arah, nggak bakal sembuh kecuali disogok aneka cemilan yang saya suka oleh suami. Kini, saya jadi lebih kalem dan tenang menghadapi berbagai hal, seperti saat macet di jalanan, mobil yang saya kendarai disenggol motor, menghadapi beban pekerjaan, dan lainnya - stay calm and composed. Sepertinya sekarang jatah panik, riweuh dan nangis-nangis heboh hanya terpakai kalau anak sakit.
  
Tidak hanya itu, ada satu hal terbaik yang saya rasakan sejak menjadi ibu - saya jadi lebih dekat dengan Mama. Saya sungguh berterima kasih kepada Mama karena saya memang memercayakan Sid untuk dijaga dan dirawat oleh Mama selama saya bekerja. Beliau, dengan ikhlas dan tanpa mengeluh, bersedia untuk menggantikan peran saya sebagai ibu selama sekitar 11 jam, 5 hari dalam seminggu. Meski ada seorang mbak di rumah yang sigap membantu, Mama tetap berkomitmen untuk turun tangan sendiri mengurus Sid, kecuali saat ada kegiatan di luar rumah seperti mengaji - itu pun hanya sekitar 2 jam di hari Senin dan Kamis.

Saya ingat dulu, kami sering berselisih paham dan ujung-ujungnya entah saya atau Mama yang ngambek. Sekarang, hampir tidak pernah. Kalau pun ada perbedaan pendapat, saya berusaha meredam diri dan melembutkan kata-kata supaya beliau tidak tersinggung. Terutama jika ada hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan merawat Sid yang saya kurang setuju, saya biasanya menyampaikan dengan hati-hati, dengan pilihan kata yang baik. Sekarang ini, kalau sudah hampir-hampir mau berantem dengan Mama, saya langsung mundur teratur dengan cantik, ambil air wudhu (shalat bikin adem) atau ambil cemilan manis-manis (sibuk ngunyah jadi batal ngambek).

Ada satu kejadian yang paling membuat saya terhanyut, mengharu biru, menye-menye. Ketika itu saya sempat sakit, kurang tidur dan workload sedang unyu-unyunya di kantor. Sambil memijat ringan punggung saya, Mama berkata,

"Jadi ibu itu harus kuat, nggak boleh sakit. Kalau ibu sakit, seluruh keluarga bisa-bisa nggak ada yang ngurusin."

Saya langsung terhenyak mendengarnya. Betapa "receh" dan remeh sakit saya ini, sungguh tidak dapat dibandingkan dengan apa yang Mama telah lakukan untuk saya, untuk anak saya, untuk keluarga kami. She runs the house, she provides our food, she takes care of my baby, she caters for her husband, she manages to do all those things every single day. How does she do that?

"Itu namanya kekuatan seorang ibu..."

Benar, jangan pernah underestimate kekuatan seorang wanita yang telah menjadi ibu.
Hanya seorang ibu yang bisa menyulap rasa sakit setelah melahirkan menjadi tawa bahagia saat pertama kali melihat bayinya.
Hanya seorang ibu yang tahu bagaimana caranya tetap fokus meeting di pagi hari meski semalaman terjaga karena bayinya sedang sakit.
Hanya seorang ibu yang mampu menggendong anaknya selama berjam-jam meski berat badan anak kian bertambah dari hari ke hari.
Hanya seorang ibu yang selalu berharap Tuhan bisa memindahkan rasa sakit di tubuh si anak ke tubuhnya sendiri.
Hanya seorang ibu yang bisa mendahulukan keperluan anak dan keluarganya, lebih dari ia mendahulukan kepentingan dirinya.

Setelah menjadi ibu, saya jadi tahu. Kalau menjadi ibu ternyata bukan hanya sekedar punya anak, ngurus anak, ngasih makan, ngasih susu. Tanggung jawab, kedewasaan, dan kekuatan harus juga dimiliki oleh seorang ibu. Harus bisa membuang ego jauh-jauh, menjaga harmoni keluarga.

My First. My Last. My Everything!

Selamat Hari Ibu, Mama. Terima kasih sudah menunjukkan kepada saya, cinta yang luar biasa, tanpa kenal pamrih, tanpa batas waktu. Tidak akan bisa saya balas dengan cara apapun juga. Sebagai anak, saya hanya bisa berdoa kepada Tuhan, semoga Mama senantiasa ditetapkan dalam Iman dan Islam, diberikan berkah kesehatan dan kebahagiaan lahir batin. Izinkan saya menyayangimu setiap hari, memelukmu tanpa bosan, mendoakanmu tanpa putus.

Every day should be a Mother's day, your day.
Because that's exactly how I'm going to love you.
Every single day.

Keyakinanku, Keyakinanmu

Saya pernah menjalin rasa dengan seseorang yang berbeda keyakinan. Apakah itu nista?

Karena ia baik. Ia tidak pernah melarang saya beribadah, malah sabar menyuruh dan menunggu saya sholat, dan ketika saya berpuasa ia menemani hingga tiba waktu berbuka. Saya pun tidak pernah mencampuri ketika ia harus pergi di hari Minggu. Semua terasa biasa.

Kami bahagia.

Untuk beberapa saat...

Singkat cerita, kami mulai merasa ada hal yang mengganjal. Justru rasa ini muncul ketika kami semakin dekat, ingin naik tingkat.  Saya ingin memiliki, saya ingin menarik dia menyeberang ke lain sisi, saya ingin dia untuk meyakini apa yang saya yakini, untuk beribadah dengan cara saya beribadah. Saya mulai belajar dan belajar lagi, gali-gali kitab suci, tanya sana sini. Bahkan cari informasi dari forum yang sangat tidak terpuji, penuh dengan benci dan bahasa yang keji (sepertinya sekarang sudah di-banned as it was a truly savage site), dimana umat yang berseberangan saling serang dengan nada-nada berang. Semua saya lakukan untuk memohon, memaksa dia supaya ikut kepercayaan saya. Saya jadi gelap mata, pokoknya dia harus ikut saya.

Namun apa yang terjadi? Kami semakin menjauh. Semua kajian yang saya paksakan kepada dia terpental begitu saja. Bukannya makin sama, kami malah makin beda. Domba dan kambing pun kami perdebatkan. Tidak ada lagi bahagia. Saya malah menista agamanya karena saya bilang Tuhan dia bukan Tuhan. Padahal kalau kepala saya dingin, saya cuma akan bilang bahwa Tuhan dia bukan Tuhan yang saya yakini and there's nothing wrong with that, let's just agree to disagree. Sungguh beda kan kedua pernyataan itu?

Singkat cerita lagi, kami berpisah.

Saya sedih, saya kehilangan. Tapi saya percaya Tuhan punya rencana lain untuk saya (dan dia) sehingga tidak perlu kecewa. Berbekal keyakinan itu, saya jadi tenang. Tidak berlama-lama terpuruk dan mulai susun-susun kembali hati yang tadinya remuk. 

Benar saja. Saya lalu dipertemukan dengan (waktu itu masih calon) suami. Saya pelajari bahwa ayahnya (mertua saya kini) kerap membimbing orang untuk jadi mualaf. Beliau lakukan dengan cara yang amat beda (dengan apa yang dulu saya coba lakukan) - beliau buat terang semua tentang Islam, yang damai, yang penuh cinta, yang tenang dan menenangkan. Beliau (hanya) berkisah tentang kebesaran dan keajaiban Tuhan sebagaimana ditulis di dalam kitab suci, tidak lebih, tidak kurang. He does it in a certain way that those people, who wish to convert, finally believe by themselves. Bukan seperti dicekoki, tapi mengalir begitu saja dan jadi yakin dengan sendirinya. Sungguh Tuhan Maha Baik, menyadarkan saya atas kesalahan yang pernah saya buat dengan mempertemukan saya dengan suami, dengan ayah mertua.

Jadi, kembali lagi ke si dia yang terdahulu...

Meski kini kami tidak saling sapa, saya percaya kami masih saling mengingat dan saling berterima kasih. Karena saya meneguhkan keyakinan dia, dan dia memantapkan keyakinan saya. Percaya akan besarnya kasih sayang Tuhan dengan masing-masing cara, bukankah itu yang paling utama?

Lakum diinukum waliyadiin.

#FlashbackFriday: How I Met Your Father

Hello, Baby.

By now you must be really familiar with your mother. Of course, you can listen to my heartbeat even better than I do. I wish the sounds don't disturb your good sleep because you definitely need your sleep. Believe me, sleeping is a luxury when you are a grown-up.

Today, I want to tell you a story of how I met your father.

I met him back in 2012, that was 4 years ago before you. It was one afternoon during the fasting month and we got introduced by a friend. We met under the escalator in Grand Indonesia, just outside Magnum Cafe (famous for its ice cream, you will enjoy it later since in the womb you have made me crave for it so often). It was brief, nothing special, nothing striking. But who knows, lightning can strike another day, the day when you least expect it.

One Sunday, it was raining and lightning did strike. He, with forcible effort, took me out on a trip to Bogor, it was about one hour drive from my home (soon to be your home, our home). We had a decent time, he said he wanted us to be together and other grown up stuffs I shouldn't tell you by now, but that was it - I was expectation-less. Told you, I didn't think he was THAT special.

Well, he turns out to be THAT special...

He convinced me, with another forcible effort of not wanting to go home before I said 'yes', to stay together, to have a modest relationship. One that I really enjoyed because surprisingly, I had never been in one. Every thing seemed so easy (not easy for him, your mother could be a lot to handle) and unpretentious.

He is smart and geeky. He is the only person I know who told me a story about the just-deceased Galapagos tortoise, and we could talk about fiscal cliff (if you would date an economist one day, you would understand this).

He makes me laugh, genuinely. Some times (many times), he drives me mad badly.

We share a common love towards football - our first official date was watching our favorite teams battling against each other on a small TV in one mall's food court. Isn't it romantic? My team lost the game to his and he surely did mock my misery, but we've watched many matches after that and I'm pretty sure I've had my fair share of mocking him. It's all fair in love and football, you know.

We had our ups and downs for around 6 months before we decided that this was the real thing, the forever-and-always in the making. I knew it, I just knew it.

We got married on October 2013, just one day ahead of his birthday. This was his cunning plan, to make sure that he won't ever forget our anniversary - he said this would be a way to save our marriage from unnecessary fights in the future. It's been almost 3 years now, and up to this day, he is right. That's how smart he is. Our wedding was, again, very modest. It was not the wedding of my dream, it was not even close but somehow I could not care less. Starting a new life with him was the most exciting thing of all. You see, another lightning strikes.

The journey that led us to you was quite rough. It required every inch of my sanity to stay hopeful and positive, and optimistic, and to put up a smile every time someone asked about a child. He managed to pick me up every time I was on the low. He was there, through every doctor's appointment, through every other night I spent crying and longing, he never did stray. I hope we could be together for a long time, if not forever, and we would be there for you too. Who would've thought, lightning strikes again. God has decided to trust us as parents-to be, you are now growing in my womb.

So here's my little thank-you note for him:

Terima kasih sudah mengajarkan saya untuk hidup sederhana, cukup berpuas dengan apa yang dipunya, saat ini, di hari ini, selamanya dan selalu mensyukuri segala nikmat-Nya.

Hidup kita bersama, bisa sederhana. Tapi sungguh tidak ada yang sederhana dari cinta Anda, untuk saya, karena sebegitu melimpahnya.

I can't wait for you to meet him. You will be ecstatic. He will too, actually.

Love,

Your mother.