Dear Husband, Now That You're A Father

Dear Husband,

Now that you are a father and I am a mother of our beautiful child, I would like to let you know that I am so thankful to have you both in my life.

I understand that our lives have changed, if not so drastically, since the day she was born. For the better? Or for the worse?

Do you remember that we used to fight on weekends, about which places to go, which restaurant to dine, which house appliances to buy, which brand of soap we want to try. All those trifling things.
Oh, we used to fight on weekdays, too - when you and I got home, both tired after a long daaaaay of work, and I still had to cook for at least 30 minutes (and washed the dishes after) while you only needed 5 minutes to finish the whole plate.
Remember that we also lived in a small cube on the 25th floor back then? We could not avoid each other when we fought, because we would ALWAYS bump at each other in that 31 sqm space. Tricky.

Yes, we used to fight. But we immediately made up and things got better before bed - where we enjoyed the spacious bed, just the two of us.

Do you remember that I always kept my hair nice-smelling and you liked to sniff it?

During our TTC journey, you were the one who kept me going. You gave me the courage to undergo any medical procedure needed so that we could have a child. You held my hand after we did the IUI, you wiped my tears when we failed the IUI. You, yourself, had also beaten your fear and dealt with those uncomfortable feelings during medical exams.

Oh, I also did not forget to cut your toenails once every 2 week!

We used to say "I Love You" before we went to bed.

We watched movies religiously.

We were so close.

Now that she's here, I have to admit that we are growing apart...

Literally, we don't sleep next to each other now that the baby sleeps between us. We hardly kiss each other goodnight because I am often too tired and doze off completely as soon as the baby sleeps, and you can not be bothered, busy playing that Clash Royale of yours.

My hair does not always smell like a fresh flower bouquet because I rarely have time to dry it all up in the morning - you know, I have to prepare myself to go to the office, feed our baby, prepare her milk, pack my bags (now that I am a mother and I need to carry at least 2 humongous bags to work).
Is that the reason why you no longer kiss me on the forehead before you go to work? Maybe not. Maybe you enjoy smooching our little baby better, honestly speaking, she DOES smell better. And as she gets bigger, maybe she gets to hold your hands far more often than I do.

And when was the last time we went to catch a new movie? Star Wars, was it? We missed Rogue One, and now The Last Jedi is already approaching. Couldn't care less, could we?

I am sorry now I don't have much time for you, now that I am a mother. I have forgotten about keeping your toenails short, just like I have forgotten many things. I am too forgetful nowadays. Between work and household chores, between monthly reports and dirty diapers. It's getting so hard to focus and remember things when you can only worry about one small baby (but a super cute one).

Dear Husband, I just want you to know that I have never been happier now and you are part of that happiness of mine. I am a mother, my priority in life has completely changed - family is number one on my list, and you are also a part of it. I am now a parent, we are now parents, let's be a good one. We are responsible for the life of this tiny human, an amanah from God. Let's work together to raise her to be a wonderful human being. Please help me when I am in need (I mean, when I'm so beat after a series of begadang night), and I promise you have my total support, too.

Dear Husband, now that you are a father. Continue to be an amazing one. Love her, teach her, protect her. Make sure that one day she will run to you, hug you and say that she is proud of you.

I love you, I love her, and I love us. I've said this before, and I'm saying it again, and maybe I will keep on saying this until we're gone (even that is not possible).

"Thank you for being here and now,

and the forever ever after in the making."

I don't believe in forever, though. But both of you certainly make me think that forever (being with you both) is a pleasant idea.

Okay, maybe the quote sounds exaggerating. Please just hold my hand (and hers) and never let go.
That's good enough for now.

Oh, and please continue to tell me that I am not THAT fat, you know THAT is key in every relationship.
Love you!

From There, To Here
(She doesn't seem interested to take a good family wefie, no?)

#FlashbackFriday: Childhood Memories

Hello, Baby.

I miss writing to you! It's just that your mother hasn't been feeling too well lately - I think I must get a little exhausted now that you're getting bigger and my body needs a bit of adjustment to keep up with your development. But no worry, I've been eating lots nowadays to ensure you're packing more pounds and getting the nutrition you need. Not to forget my daily dose of milk (and ice cream, you know, this is strictly for calcium intake).

Today I want to share you stories about childhood. It is definitely one of the happiest time of one's life, filled with playfulness, enjoyment, and loving memories. Your father and I were once small and very cute, too. Of course, each of us have our own personal memories to treasure but those memories all come down to one thing; we were happy and loved.

We Were Once Babies, Too

Your father was born in early October, he is the eldest of three children. Just take a look at his chubby cheeks, he gave your grandmother quite a hard time during labor due to his weight. One of his most cherished childhood memories is, well, spending time studying. His parents put a high importance on education and took on this matter seriously. Once they took a family road trip to Semarang and his father would stop along the way whenever he saw a chance for his children to learn something. He took them to see rice fields and observe the working farmers, or dropped by a pottery-making house. His parents' efforts were totally worth it; he was always on top of the class and successfully got into one of the nation's finest university. Since he was a boy, he grew fond of cars and football and video games. He once had an emergency visit to the doctor because he got so stiff, had trouble moving as he spent hours and hours sitting in front of the computer, playing games. I won't let this happen to you, promise.

Four months after your father was born, I came into the world. My parents named me after the word 'lucky' because I was considered as an unexpected blessing. My sister and brother were already in elementary school when I suddenly popped up among them. Lucky, I easily became the apple in the eye in my family. My childhood was superb! I wouldn't say that I was spoiled, but my mom and dad really knew how to make me have a good time. I enjoyed riding bikes (you can tell from the numerous scar marks on my legs), climbing on trees (until one day the tree fell, I landed on a dirty gutter and received stitches on my behind), playing with animals (I had dozen of cats, two bunnies, and 17 hamsters, I loved them all). My mom and dad loved to treat their children with books - my mom used to read me to sleep and my dad bought me new books whenever I got good grades. Despite being occupied with work, my dad always made time to take us for a short holiday. My mom was obsessed on dressing me up; she even made me clothes identical to my Barbie doll (you will inherit a closet full of Barbies, guaranteed).

Our Loving Parents

So, later you will meet our parents - your grandparents. They are the ones responsible for creating those exciting memories and experience that molded us, their immense love enabled us to become the persons we are today. They have raised us to be humble, to be kind, to put family as top priority. I believe they will love you as much as we do, ready to give their all for you to be happy and loved, exactly like what they have been doing for us all these years. Respect them, love them.

I must say that childhood plays a very important role in a person's future life. I wish it will be the happiest for you, for every child, because you deserve it. I want you to grow up and carry around the loving memories of the people who love you. May our abundant love inspire you to be the best version of yourself and able to do good for others.

Love,
Your mother.

#FlashbackFriday: How I Met Your Father

Hello, Baby.

By now you must be really familiar with your mother. Of course, you can listen to my heartbeat even better than I do. I wish the sounds don't disturb your good sleep because you definitely need your sleep. Believe me, sleeping is a luxury when you are a grown-up.

Today, I want to tell you a story of how I met your father.

I met him back in 2012, that was 4 years ago before you. It was one afternoon during the fasting month and we got introduced by a friend. We met under the escalator in Grand Indonesia, just outside Magnum Cafe (famous for its ice cream, you will enjoy it later since in the womb you have made me crave for it so often). It was brief, nothing special, nothing striking. But who knows, lightning can strike another day, the day when you least expect it.

One Sunday, it was raining and lightning did strike. He, with forcible effort, took me out on a trip to Bogor, it was about one hour drive from my home (soon to be your home, our home). We had a decent time, he said he wanted us to be together and other grown up stuffs I shouldn't tell you by now, but that was it - I was expectation-less. Told you, I didn't think he was THAT special.

Well, he turns out to be THAT special...

He convinced me, with another forcible effort of not wanting to go home before I said 'yes', to stay together, to have a modest relationship. One that I really enjoyed because surprisingly, I had never been in one. Every thing seemed so easy (not easy for him, your mother could be a lot to handle) and unpretentious.

He is smart and geeky. He is the only person I know who told me a story about the just-deceased Galapagos tortoise, and we could talk about fiscal cliff (if you would date an economist one day, you would understand this).

He makes me laugh, genuinely. Some times (many times), he drives me mad badly.

We share a common love towards football - our first official date was watching our favorite teams battling against each other on a small TV in one mall's food court. Isn't it romantic? My team lost the game to his and he surely did mock my misery, but we've watched many matches after that and I'm pretty sure I've had my fair share of mocking him. It's all fair in love and football, you know.

We had our ups and downs for around 6 months before we decided that this was the real thing, the forever-and-always in the making. I knew it, I just knew it.

We got married on October 2013, just one day ahead of his birthday. This was his cunning plan, to make sure that he won't ever forget our anniversary - he said this would be a way to save our marriage from unnecessary fights in the future. It's been almost 3 years now, and up to this day, he is right. That's how smart he is. Our wedding was, again, very modest. It was not the wedding of my dream, it was not even close but somehow I could not care less. Starting a new life with him was the most exciting thing of all. You see, another lightning strikes.

The journey that led us to you was quite rough. It required every inch of my sanity to stay hopeful and positive, and optimistic, and to put up a smile every time someone asked about a child. He managed to pick me up every time I was on the low. He was there, through every doctor's appointment, through every other night I spent crying and longing, he never did stray. I hope we could be together for a long time, if not forever, and we would be there for you too. Who would've thought, lightning strikes again. God has decided to trust us as parents-to be, you are now growing in my womb.

So here's my little thank-you note for him:

Terima kasih sudah mengajarkan saya untuk hidup sederhana, cukup berpuas dengan apa yang dipunya, saat ini, di hari ini, selamanya dan selalu mensyukuri segala nikmat-Nya.

Hidup kita bersama, bisa sederhana. Tapi sungguh tidak ada yang sederhana dari cinta Anda, untuk saya, karena sebegitu melimpahnya.

I can't wait for you to meet him. You will be ecstatic. He will too, actually.

Love,

Your mother.

#FlashbackFriday: Big Fat Positive

December 2, 2015 would be a very memorable date for us. We finally got to make our first BIG, FAT POSITIVE announcement to the world!

Alhamdulillah... Our happiness is beyond words. We can only praise Allah for this opportunity.

Setelah menjalani IUI (inseminasi buatan) di awal Oktober lalu dan belum berhasil, kami berdua sepakat untuk istirahat sejenak dari aktivitas TTC aka bolak-balik ke dokter, minum obat ini itu, suntik macam-macam. We didn't want to know why we failed the IUI, we just thought kalau itu memang belum waktunya. We needed our time-off, we just wanted to relax and stay positive. Meski si istri sempat cari-cari informasi ke beberapa RS tentang IVF (bayi tabung) secara sembunyi-sembunyi juga sih... Maklum, namanya juga kepingin berat. 

Di tengah masa cuti dari aktivitas TTC ini, saya merasa lebih rileks, sabar dan berserah. Berusaha ikhlas ini memang susah banget, tapi saya menyibukkan diri dengan menyelesaikan pekerjaan, baca buku, online shopping (ehm!), banyak browsing merencanakan liburan tahun depan, dan paling utama, berusaha memperbaiki ibadah. I would say it is quite effective because you have other things you can focus on and improve, rather than stuck and wallow in sadness. Kudos to my husband for supporting me, too. Juga untuk Mama yang sabar menasehati dan sabar menunggu, I know she wants a baby as much as we do.

Other than that, I (or we) didn't do anything differently.

Sejak akhir bulan November, saya mulai merasakan seperti gejala masuk angin. Bangun pagi, badan rasanya sakit semua seperti habis tanding tinju lawan Manny Pacquiao. Makan milih-milih banget, maunya yang berkuah bening, nggak berbumbu menor. Pusing ketika di mobil, ngantuk berat setelah makan siang di kantor. Beberapa hari itu, saya masih mengganggap masuk angin, karena cuaca kan lagi nggak bagus dan di kantor dinginnya ngalah-ngalahin kulkas tukang es batu. Saya sudah tahu kalau seharusnya tanggal-tanggal tersebut sudah dekat hari menstruasi tapi santai dan nggak mau GR karena bulan lalu pun sempat telat 5 hari.

Nah, di pagi hari tanggal 2 Desember ini saya merasa kram perut. Padahal sudah mandi dan siap-siap ngantor, tapi si perut protes keras. Akhirnya Mr. SO jatuh kasihan dan menawarkan antar ke RS. Masih denial dan nggak mau kepedean meski sudah telat 8 hari, malah lebih takut kalau ada sakit lainnya di perut.

Setibanya di RSPI Puri Indah (I think this hospital's name is weird, Pondok Indah or Puri Indah? Can you just settle for one location?), kami sepakat untuk mengunjungi obgyn. Suster bertanya, "Ibu, ada keluhan apa?" Saya jawab, sebenarnya sudah telat semingguan dan pagi ini nyeri perut. Suster pun langsung menanyakan apa sudah melakukan uji dengan testpack, ketika saya menggeleng suster pun langsung menawarkan untuk uji testpack. Supaya lebih pasti ketika bertemu dokter, katanya.

Then it happened... I could not believe my eyes when I saw two thick lines.

Those Two Fat Lines!

I cried. Alone, in the hospital's restroom. It was an undescribable feeling of... Joy. Relief. Anxious. Campur sari banget rasanya.

When I got out, I hugged Mr. SO and he looked back at me with that Told-You-So face. Yes, he is a true optimist who keeps on saying that we can get through this, we just need to wait for the right time.

Kami pun masuk ke ruangan dokter. He did a USG on my abdomen, he found the sac - it's small, only 0.6 cm. He told us to be catious and stay healthy. Nggak banyak obat yang diberikan, hanya Utrogestan dan Folavit. Kontrol berikutnya 2 minggu mendatang.

We're truly grateful. Nggak putus-putus berdoa dan berupaya agar perkembangannya bagus dan sehat.

Miracle does happen. Never too late, never too soon. It is exact and definite. We just need to believe in God's perfect timing. 

Subhanallah.